iDALEK
.: EX :.
« Mon 27 Dec 2010 07:14:52 PM

START TRANSMISSION
ENCRYPTION: XXXX
MESSAGE TYPE: MULTI_PART
PACKETS QUEUED = 6
CONTEXT [Humans have an affinity with many things, few so diverse as applications of the 23rd symbol of the hindu-arabic phonomic collating sequence they refer to as the alphabet]

1: X-MAS
Our distributed reconnaissance squads have been privy to many odd human rituals, but one that strikes us as particularly odd is that of X-mas. We have observed humans overindulging on food, grouping in familial cliques around the remains of incinerated Meleagris species, searching for wishbones whilst wearing silly paper hats, exchanging brightly coloured packages only to discard the wrapping and settle unsatisfactorily for the contents, given they would not usually ever buy themselves such things. Much of their behaviour is a mystery, but numerous references to a fast-moving foe [code-named SANT-A] warrant further investigation as it appears to possess non-human technologies [faster than light travel, teleportation, matter manipulation and the ability to cause deers to fly]. Humans welcome this supernatural being into their homes, and are not afraid to be categorised as naughty or nice. We do like the sonic resonances that utter from assembled groups of people called carol, but are yet to explain why anyone would be interested in a message from an irrelevant monarch, or why it would be deemed necessary for said monarch to bother at such a time when everyone is tires, emotional, generally effected by alcohol and everything is shut.

2: X MARKS THE SPOT
I cannot help but wonder why, when a spot marks the spot much more clearly, surely? Humans use may curious expressions, and accompany them by transcribing an "X" on cheques to indicate the line marked signature where someone should apply their signature, a location on a map or an incorrect answer.

3: XXL
Sizing of human items use many confusing and inconsistent schemes. Extra-Extra-Large and 10XL are beyond comprehension - how do humans get so big and why is the sizings used for females different to that of males? This makes no sense.

4: XXX
I accessed, via stealth network techniques, the young males computer search engine and "googled" xxx. the results were not anticipated, consisting mostly of what I would have previously thought were anatomically impossible contortions performed by very enthusiastic and well portioned but only partially clothed humans, mostly. Mission central should indicate if further surveillance of these activities is necessary.

5: XXXX
We have tried a substance labelled XXXX. I like it. A lot. Shazza said Gazza hurled in his life-containment capsule after cracking a six pack, but I have long since tried to understand what she is talking about. I have yet to get an explanation on what that means from him either, he changes the subject whenever I bring it up. We have observed that this liquid causes gaseous escape from both ends of our digestive tract but strangely, makes one feel less and less uncomfortable about this. The strange mix of grains, herbs and alcohol require further investigation. The liquid amber concoction is called beer - it seems there are many varieties - all make young humans do stupid things - a perfect weapon for the forthcoming invasion. We shall investigate the relative merits of the varieties so as to select the most effective weapon.

6 XOXO
Humans often end their correspondence with mixtures of X's and O's - I have found reference to that meaning hug and kiss - neither symbol adequately matches the gesture and I am yet to ascertain why humans do either. I seriously doubt that I will be able to investigate this first hand, without the aid of a set of "beer goggles" to mask my numerous pseudopodia - something tells me a less than completely inebriated human female may not be able to handle the morphological incongruity associated with the inevitable physical comparisons of an exposed Dalek to a similarly exposed human male. We have also yet to determine if, on any level, we are biologically compatible. I hope not. Even the vaguest notion of it makes me feel sick to my stomachs. Any talk of a Dalek-Human hybrid is an abomination. I am confident central control will not expect further studies.

PACKETS SENT = 6
END OF TRANSMISSION

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